Elimination Round

8:50 PM Kaitlyn 0 Comments

Quick post because I have a midterm I gotta take tonight. ;)

Hindsight matters and we gotta trust the vision in God's provision...as well as confiscation.

Today is the anniversary of a hard conversation I had with a friend. Or should I say, ex-friend. May 9, 2019. We texted for an hour, and it was one of the most intense feelings I've ever felt in my body. A sense of heaviness cover me, as if my body knew I was about to collapse. It's like I could feel the devil hovering over me, waiting for us to attack and destroy each other. I was anxious to say the right thing; to point her in the right direction. I was desperate for her to see what I saw. I loved her so much and I hated seeing her suffer in her tumbling victim-mindset. It hurt me. I could do nothing. Couldn't say nothing. What kind of friend would I be? I loved her. And this, to me, was love.

Sometimes love requires hard conversations. Conversations that make you think or break down what you think. Sometimes love means letting go. I didn't know that at the time that this conversation would mean goodbye. But I'm proud of myself for boldly standing up for her. Even if she didn't like it. At least she can't blame anyone for never saying anything to her.

Maybe that's prideful of me to say. I don't know. But I do know that we can't walk around in life carrying regrets. When I look back at the ordeal, I'm saddened at the manner in which our friendship ended. But I see now how God was protecting me from an unbalanced relationship. One that was unmatched in maturity and spirituality. For a short, short period, it seemed good and was what I needed. But then I watched it roll downhill. Saying goodbye to friendships isn't really my style. If it happens, it's usually just because we drifted apart. Or ghosting. Last year, I was upset that she blocked me instead of clearly telling me she didn't want to be friends anymore. But now, I do find peace in recognizing how God protected me. "The Lord eliminated so she could rise" ("She Bloomed From the Drama"). I learned so much from this temporary friendship. I learned the importance of communication, confrontation, clarity and equality. If you do not hold the same values and ESPECIALLY if you do not both have respect for the other, that relationship is BOUND to trouble. Even though I still have scars and hurt from this experience, I am grateful for it because it made me stronger and it helped me recognize what qualities I do NOT want in a friend. Sometimes God brings people into our lives to bring joy, and sometimes He brings people into our lives to teach us a lesson.

I'd exited this elimination round with dread and bitterness. Upset that we weren't on the same page and my communication, in the name of love, wasn't enough. What I know now is the difference the foundation of Christ made. Because I later had a similar confrontational conversation with another sister. The difference was, Christ was enough for both of us, we had that respect, and we both loved each other as sisters in Christ. 

All in all, though my heart hurts at the loss of this sister, I can confidently say that I am in a higher place now. A higher mentality. More self-control. More understanding. More reliance on God. And more humility in knowing that NOTHING on earth--not possessions, not people--is permanent. And if I have the strength and wisdom to let go when necessary, God will reward me with freedom. Because ultimately, who am I to hold on so tightly to the things I, one tiny human, thinks is best for me? Hindsight. God saw the power and liberation of elimination where I saw fear and heartache of it. He recognized that I was holding on. Back then, I thought she was taking the easy way out by ending it instead of fighting for it. And maybe she was. But in hindsight, I know how God fought for me by freeing me. He eliminated a relationship and mentality so I could rise.