"20/20 hindsight." Remember that phrase? We walked into this year with hope and expectation. We were met with changes at every turn, an outbreak, our sense of normalcy turned upside-down, misleading claims, unreliable news and leaders. Yet, it's been eye-opening still, to the people who have not closed their eyes in fear. For those who have stayed "woke," they have looked for the lessons and beauty instead of simply grieving over the shadows. I learned so much this year and I've felt the wool pulled from my eyes. I can see clearly now.

This spring, I'm turning 20. (woah.) The beginning of the next decade in my life and a huge step (it feels) in my life. My sister wrote a speech for Toastmasters a few weeks ago based on parenting and asked a bunch of parents for their advice to their children. This inspired me to ask more than 20 of the most respected adults in my life what their advice to their 20 year old self would be. Stepping into both this new year and closing out a decade of teen and tween years is a big deal, but I'm glad that I have people in my life I can turn to for wisdom. I encourage you to turn to elders for wisdom in life as well, no matter if you're a kid, teen, young adult, parent or grandparent. Proverbs urges us to seek wisdom and recognize that it is worth more than precious jewels. So, my friend, read on for some wisdom about entering your twenties. :)

Made it this far? Great! Not only do you love wisdom, but you probably wouldn't mind reading more of these amazing people's advice to their 20 year old self, would you? Go ahead and subscribe to my blog-it'll give you the next post in line as soon as it gets published. Thanks for reading and happy new year! Let's enter 2021 with eyes wide, eyes open and eyes hungry for more vision and more wisdom. 

lingered on our photo

a little too long

maybe it’s ok

maybe it’s not wrong

taking time

looking back

borrowed travel

to the past

see our smiles

see our bond

what a shame

they didn’t last

searched your name

again last night

even though i do not miss you

nosy head

stupid choice

you went backwards

back to boy

no regrets

no effects

what a shame

they’re nothing left

they were young

they were eager

just a year those feelings lingered

play those games

in your head

whisper to yourself

“he’s dead”

justify

this road you took

don’t look back

DO NOT LOOK!

say it twice

in your head

let it slip out

peek instead

there’s no boo

there’s no joy

what’d you find-

no man in boy?

he is gone

so are you

when you left

girl, you grew

two paths beckoned

one you followed

paths divided

both unfollowed

split the albums

split the strings

split the mem’ries

mute his name

leave the gifts

leave the church

leave the city

leave the pain

baggage heavy

weary travel

deep weight lifting

unexplained

flying faster

flying farther

flying lighter

running harder

cross the borders

cross her name

cross religion

cancel faith

break the ties

break the boundaries

break the bored up

stop your wond’ring

there’s no past

only tomorrow

will it last

or just bring sorrow?

life’s a blur

so don’t keep searching

do not settle

stop your reaching

don’t look back

don’t imagine

do not wander

past eleven

don’t give in

for a fleeting

don’t imagine

future meetings

time’s expensive

oops, it’s gone!

where’d they go?

oh, they’re done!

shut the door

burn the key

borrowed travel:

memories

As I rediscovered the magic of this song, I was writing open letters to people whose relationships have changed. I listened once on Spotify, then again with Halsey's lyric video, then once more with Marshmello's. As I read the lyrics, listening to it the second time, I couldn't help but tear up. I didn't realize how sad it was--at least to me. Be Kind reminded me of a struggling battle I had with a friend (read more about it here). It stings but it's also comforting and encouraging to see mainstream artists like Halsey and Marshmello making music beyond romantic relationships. I mean...music is art, and it can be translated any way the listener wishes. And to me personally, it hits deep with the resonating message.

Honestly, I'm so exhausted over this relationship, but it sure is encouraging to know there are other people who go through the same relationship pains as I do. Dear reader, if you are reading these words with a heaviness in your heart over the loss or status of a relationship like this song describes, know this: one, I am here for you. Message me if you ever need a friend to talk to. Two, you are not alone, no matter how invisible it may seem. Most people don't showcase their struggles. And three, I pray you'll look upon this painful relationship with mercy and recognize the beauty and lessons you've gained from it. Upwards and onwards.

With love and kindness,

Kaitlyn

I was scrolling through my feed on the gram and the first lines of this poem caught my eye. Written by my dear friend, Kerrie, whom I used to go to church with, she so eloquently and accurately captured the essence of relationships and the complexity of our inner selves striving to be a good friend.

Is there someone in your mind

that rolls around in there?

She did this to me, how could he?

It simply is not fair.

Just stewing on your anger

in your mind you hit replay

and think of all the sassy things

if you had the gall you'd say.

This thing they do annoys me.

This past hurt I can't let go.

You say to just forgive them?

But how do I let that go?

Relationships are tricky,

two impure people side by side.

Inevitably you'll be hurt

sin and selfishness can't hide.

Each of us has felt it-

anger, control, bitterness, greed.

Jealousy, envy, pride,

is what all our conflicts breed.

But there is hope that's stronger

and can free us from this snare

of being controlled by another

when we let bitterness linger there.

A hope of grace and rescue

from ourselves and what we let stew.

We can put to death this trap

and let peace and love ensue. 

Keep your heart with vigilance

for from it flow springs of life.

We all have hearts that need to change

if any relationship be made right.

The Giver of grace is willing

he hears your whisper and your shout.

And by his Spirit's power

he can change you from the inside out. 

The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life.

None who run to this fountain will thirst.

For we will walk in newness of life

because Christ was raised to glory first.

If he can conquer sin and death

and reign and rule at God's right hand,

then there is no relationship

that is too hard for his command.

Whatever is true, whatever is lovely

whatever is just and pure,

our God has made a way for peace

as we humble ourselves, he'll restore.

Our hope is in our Savior

who has perfectly related to all.

And because he's walked our trials

he thinks our conflicts no thing small.

Freedom is found in his love

and in his lavish grace we stand.

As we extend this grace to friends

with a generous open hand.

Let compassion rule the day.

Humility, meekness, patience, prayer too.

Look for the good in this person

Be at peace as much as depends on you.

In Christ we have a hope 

it has called us out by name.

An inheritance of glory

where none will be put to shame.

And one day when we get there

Oh how enlightened our hearts will be.

All the wrestling with each other

a blip on the radar of eternity.

Kerrie DeBerry

Quick post because I have a midterm I gotta take tonight. ;)

Hindsight matters and we gotta trust the vision in God's provision...as well as confiscation.

Today is the anniversary of a hard conversation I had with a friend. Or should I say, ex-friend. May 9, 2019. We texted for an hour, and it was one of the most intense feelings I've ever felt in my body. A sense of heaviness cover me, as if my body knew I was about to collapse. It's like I could feel the devil hovering over me, waiting for us to attack and destroy each other. I was anxious to say the right thing; to point her in the right direction. I was desperate for her to see what I saw. I loved her so much and I hated seeing her suffer in her tumbling victim-mindset. It hurt me. I could do nothing. Couldn't say nothing. What kind of friend would I be? I loved her. And this, to me, was love.

Sometimes love requires hard conversations. Conversations that make you think or break down what you think. Sometimes love means letting go. I didn't know that at the time that this conversation would mean goodbye. But I'm proud of myself for boldly standing up for her. Even if she didn't like it. At least she can't blame anyone for never saying anything to her.

Maybe that's prideful of me to say. I don't know. But I do know that we can't walk around in life carrying regrets. When I look back at the ordeal, I'm saddened at the manner in which our friendship ended. But I see now how God was protecting me from an unbalanced relationship. One that was unmatched in maturity and spirituality. For a short, short period, it seemed good and was what I needed. But then I watched it roll downhill. Saying goodbye to friendships isn't really my style. If it happens, it's usually just because we drifted apart. Or ghosting. Last year, I was upset that she blocked me instead of clearly telling me she didn't want to be friends anymore. But now, I do find peace in recognizing how God protected me. "The Lord eliminated so she could rise" ("She Bloomed From the Drama"). I learned so much from this temporary friendship. I learned the importance of communication, confrontation, clarity and equality. If you do not hold the same values and ESPECIALLY if you do not both have respect for the other, that relationship is BOUND to trouble. Even though I still have scars and hurt from this experience, I am grateful for it because it made me stronger and it helped me recognize what qualities I do NOT want in a friend. Sometimes God brings people into our lives to bring joy, and sometimes He brings people into our lives to teach us a lesson.

I'd exited this elimination round with dread and bitterness. Upset that we weren't on the same page and my communication, in the name of love, wasn't enough. What I know now is the difference the foundation of Christ made. Because I later had a similar confrontational conversation with another sister. The difference was, Christ was enough for both of us, we had that respect, and we both loved each other as sisters in Christ. 

All in all, though my heart hurts at the loss of this sister, I can confidently say that I am in a higher place now. A higher mentality. More self-control. More understanding. More reliance on God. And more humility in knowing that NOTHING on earth--not possessions, not people--is permanent. And if I have the strength and wisdom to let go when necessary, God will reward me with freedom. Because ultimately, who am I to hold on so tightly to the things I, one tiny human, thinks is best for me? Hindsight. God saw the power and liberation of elimination where I saw fear and heartache of it. He recognized that I was holding on. Back then, I thought she was taking the easy way out by ending it instead of fighting for it. And maybe she was. But in hindsight, I know how God fought for me by freeing me. He eliminated a relationship and mentality so I could rise.

I wanna be eighteen forever. Why? Cuz I've never felt so alive. I've never felt so confident, gone through as many of life's breakups, then risen back to my place, and higher. I've never felt so empowered to speak my truth and rise to occasions. Sure, I've had my moments and even weeks of feeling mopey and low, but I know with my whole heart that hope never fails. And with hope, I can't stay down.

I've had so many new experiences, from graduating, to a big friendship breakup, to getting my driver's license, to dating, to college, to my first breakup, to meeting my two biggest inspirations (Lila Rose of Live Action and Morgan Harper Nichols), to visiting Zion National Park, to suddenly writing poems upon poems, to launching Rise to Radiate, to telling the whole world my testimony. I'm not ashamed anymore. I've jumped from courage to boldness. I'm daring to obey the Spirit's guidance and share His love through my story, which He wrote. 

So long, eighteen. Thank you for the lessons you've taught me, the beauty you've shown me, and the courage you've given me. And thank you, Jesus, for giving me your faithfulness as my confidence.

I believe in the power of testimonies. They are proof of God's faithfulness and divine control and peace despite chaotic circumstances. "My Story" is a song that every Christian can relate to. The chorus is so beautiful:

Just thinking of these words make me shiver in awe of the power of Jesus. He's transformed my mind, my body, my soul. I can say that with full confidence. He's reversed the curse of sin so that, though I still sin on this earth, I have full forgiveness and I can move forward without shame. He's healing my mindset about others and myself so that I recognize the depth of their value and the amount of love and grace we ALL need, including me. He's healing my bodily habits so that I can honor Him through my "living temple," as Paul writes (1 Cor. 6:19). And He's turned my soul from Satan to Him so that my desires and heart seek to honor God.

God's grace is so so good, and I am so humbled every day with the gift of life He continues to grant me, despite not deserving any of it. God has given me a new chance every day, every hour to live and praise Him and the LEAST I can do is give Him the glory. My story is over without Him. But with Jesus, my story is still happening and testifying to the truth and realness and power of Christ.

she grew from the drama

she grew from the pain

what she once thought was loss

turned out to be gain

she learned from the drama

she navigated with peace

His wisdom has guided her

now her soul is at ease

she bloomed from the drama

she was stretched so she grew

the rose you see now

was her pain, reproduced

she danced through the drama

in rocky soil she found gold

she’s free from her past

now liberty sings in her soul

she thrives past the drama

she was blessed with His eyes

if there’s one thing they need

it’s peace, she realized

she grew from the drama

she grew from the pain

her soul rests in knowing

by His grace, she sustains

I've been chasing their approval

Though it's not for me to take

Still, it's ever in my mind-

Will my deed they appreciate?

I look up at my mirror

I squint, then shake my head

That woman I see

Longs to dance freely

Yet she binds herself

And hides the key

Day by day she wonders

When she will learn to just let go

It's easy to preach

Easier to condemn

But no amount of inner lectures

Can give success to her attempts

I've realized just this week

I've been chasing their approval

And how trying to hold on

Is poison to my survival

I look up at my mirror

Inhale deep

Smile

See-

A woman who is flying free

With only moments of cold feet

She is learning to let go

To breathe and exhale peace

She has found the key to success-

Let her approval only

Be from her King